Form Drives

I want to run. So badly. To get away from everything, to just take a break and see whats been going on. For this event called my life to slow down, and let me take a breath. Every day is a new twist, a new challenge. Something to work threw, and something to work for. I want to just get away from it all, to just get some relaxation, to not be so internally stressed.

When I found out a few things, I just wanted to run. Where to? Thought about Calgary, Osaka Japan, Dusseldorf Germany, Durham England, every where that I knew someone that would help me in the start. But then, I would get scared and forget it. Could I really escape what Ridge has to offer aside from the one greatest thing I have? Would what I would endure here follow me? Is there any point in the end?

For the past few weeks my dreams have been getting continually more bizare. I kind of want to keep a journal of them, but I've come to realize that my journals are....bad? I dont' know how else to say it. But, I cling to what i wrote, and dwell. There is the odd time when the words bring ease to what happened, what I experienced, or what have you, but then there are others when it's just a memory that I'm using to hurt myself.

I have done a few things that I do regret, and for good reason. Though I wont begin to type it out, because that wouldn't be fair. As I spend hours talking to Oniichan, a few memories have came back. We talked about bizare things to ingest (such as warm red bull from his team and of course cold split pea soup from mine). Naturally I remember the nasty soup mom made, followed by Wendy at the Foxs rendition which wasn't much better. lol.

I had a random outburst with Oniichan a few moments ago, mainly abotu that dreaded woman. Basically, I want to use the words hate, despize, loath, detest, anything that would signify total and utter disliking of her. But then, I am at the other end of the spectrum, where I miss her. Bizar. It's to the point of tears. I wait for her call still every day, to have an arguement that would get my fires burnin' with drive to get on the get go and do something "right". To actualy have her shut up and say something kind, to please her, to prove that I am good enough damn it! A never ending battle that I've lost. While confessing this, I hear the cold words, the jealousy, and everythign I don't want to be. (Though I know Im bitter about her). As well, I'm reminded that not once did I hear "I'm proud of you" from any one in my family. About anything. Always critized, or stolen from me. It was never good enough. Nothing ever was.

I know that a lot of my problems do come from mom, and for some reason a lot of people believe that i'll see past them if i become a mother. -.-' Oh, people are wierd. I'm told to follow my own path, to be who i want to be. But, when so many different people give their input, and say this is right and this is wrong, and this is this and that is that, how can someone do that? Almost like my life is communist on me! WAH!

But, I don't know. Thusly why I want to run. I want to hit that point where I do nothing but live the happily ever after. Silly Disney and Fairy Tales, putting such ideas in my head. I believe in True Love (and hope to god I have it right now), and in being happy. How i love the escapes of my imagination (best part, I don't need help with it!....*coughs drugs coughs*).

Yeah, but my dreams are seriously fucked. Feel free to inquire! Havin' someone elses input on them would be nice. Such as butter onto sails of a boat. Yeah....fucked.....