Outside Looking In

It seems no one understands my logic. Stay in a relationship that is wonderful, but hurtful due to conditioins. Visit a family that cares nothing for me. Talk to a neglectful father, and self-centered siblings. Listen to words that are like knives. Live a life, that I hate. Work an unsatisfying job. See a psych with comprimised interests. Sleep when only nighmares haunt me. Have a memorial for someone that hurt me. Hold onto things that are better let go.

Reason, what else do I have? Without Troy, I have no will to live. I'm sure he knows this, and it's almost like a presure for him, if not a guilt to stay with me. If I do lose Troy, then at least I'll have someone (family). Right now, I need more than Troy, mainly because of how things are. Sure, I talk to Polly, but she's my boss, and can't understand me. Dad, gets me angry and also gets me to cry (a release). My sisters, well, we have our moments. Like today at the tattoo shop. Freaky. We did rock paper sciccors to see who would go first. All went for sciccors. Creepy.... We all like the same liquor (neh), as well as the same feelings towards Terry (I think :S). I listen, because, they, I would rather listen then be given hell. I work my job, because it's familuar, as well as comfy. Dr. Bright, well, been with her since the start of this venture in 05, might as well keep on it. If her opinion is biased, i ignore it. More or less. Or just omit something when I talk to her. Sleep is a required thing for functioning, thusly why I do it as little as possible. I hate waking up to tears. The tatty was more than just for mom, it was like a brotherband, only with my sisters. We are cool when all lined up. A rising star, wth individualism. I keep thingsthat are hurtful, as a reminder, so to say. Keep it in mind to prevent it again. Live the life, because it's apparently better than the alternative.

I constantly worry about being abandoned by Troy, mainly because of how it's gone before. His camps stress me to no end, due to what has happened. He said nothing would happen, but something does. I'm almost that there is more that has happened, only I'm not told to prevent hurt. Though, people don't understand, it hurts more to hear it from a second source than the horse's mouth. *sigh*.

My scars run deep, and I have tried to move on. But, repeat incidents makes it hard. Hurts more the second time around. Really dont' wanna feel a third time. After what Jeremy, Mom, Mimi, Dad, Ian, Grace, and a few others have done, I've had it.

I've tried new occupations, I've tried changing things (style, circle of friends, lifestyle, location, etc.) But everything comes full circle. It's hard to just slap on a smile and be happy, when every day something falls apart. When no mattering what you do, hurt rips you. I lost my mother, a mother that was that great to me, but still my mother. Why does it hurt so much? Easy, she was part of me. The one I turned to, despite everything. Even though her words hurt, and such, there was still something. I also did something I never wanted to do again. That I promised to never do. All because I was told to chose. It hurt because he said he would never make me chose. That he wasn't going to be like his father. If he didnt do that, I would have gone threw with it. My family has lost all respect for me (extended), because I didn't do what i was raised for. Not like my sisters are pure little angles. Mom didn't either. Why do I have to be treated so bad? Why am I not ever good enough?

Was never good enough in school, despite my grades, despite what my teachers said, despite my final marks. I was never good enough in my martial arts. I was just never good enough for anything. Not good enough for Troy. Not good enough to be welcomed as my fathers daughter. Not good enough to anyone. Always something better that i could do, even when I give it my all.

It's what i always hear. I'm trying to get my life on A track, but nope. Not good enough. Did whatever they asked me to, but nope. Still not good enough. I wrote stories that were considered for publication, but that wasn't good enough. Youngest shodan in my art when I tested, but not good enough. Top marks in my grade 12 year, one of the hardest semesters possible. Plus I worked, plus I remained dedicated to my arts. And had a relationship on top of it all. Nope, not good enough. What motivation do I have to even try to get my life where it was? Why would i even bother? When i was at the top, it wasn't enough. Fuck it.

Any interests I have, can't really be shared. Now, I'm looking at a complete life change, focused solely on Troy's interests. Not that's it's a bad thing, it's just like, I'm goig to be part taking in his interests, but he wont be in mine. Stupid thing to be upset over, but I am. It's the way I am though. I like to walk and take pictures of flowers, scenery, over head photos/portrait, and just random things. Going for a walk with me would be nice. Not that much, but still nice.

*sigh*. I dont know. So many things, and nothing I can do. Anything I am doing, wont realy do alot. And it bites. Alot.

I'm sorry for not being all happy happy joy joy. But, sadily my life isn't that wonderful. I'm not lucky enough to have everything I want. I'm not lucky enough to have a family. I'm not able to live normally, due to my dna. That is where i am. Hurt, hurt hurt, and pain. Worry that I'll lose the only thing that matters, after everything else. And just, fuck. I want a real home. I want to feel wanted. I dont want to feel like shit every moment of the day. I want to smile without forcing it. I just, blah.

*sigh*.

I dont know. But I'm going to go clean my tatty now. Gotta love hygene.

~KJ

My Maria

I find myself thinking of Maria a lot recently. Sweet, smily, morbid and cynical Maria. I first meeet her in September of 2007, during my stay at Burnaby General 2 West. Aside from reminding me of Great Gran, she just appealed to me. While in Crafts three days into my seven day stay, she showed me her insecurity in one of the most simplist ways someone can while in the ward. She continually asked me and other patients as well as the group leader what we thought of her wooden box. While the nurses continued to push the idea that the only opinion that mattered with the box was her own, she still asked others. All she was doing was painting it. Though, she went as far as to call it her coffin. It sent chills down my spine, but it's ok. As i stared at her rectangular box, I noticed all the different colors it had previously been painted. Signallying to me that she'd been on the ward for a while. During the evening, I would sit in the lounge reading random magazines and Maria would come sit with me drinking her evening coffee or tea. I would politely sit there and listen to her stories of the old country, which I believed to be Russia, her late husband, and her time in Canada. The part I keep thinking about is one of the things she said the night before I was discharged. "Once a Psych patient, always a psych patient." She continued to share of her previous experiences in psych wards. This was her third time as a resident, as well as her third month. I guess given everything of late, it's just eerie. The timing was perfect to mine. Ages adn time away. First time round was at 17, second two years later at 19, and third would be thirty years later. True I don't know exactly what illness was hurting Maria, but i still ask myself if that will be my future? *Shrug*

I guess this is all brought up by an "assignment" given to me by Bright and Heape. To explain how i feel on my worse days. It's taken me a while to actually get words to describe it, though I don't know if it's accurate or not. The best I can summarize right now is that "Sometimes means all the time. Where maybe means never". How often am I feeling like this? Sometimes, but given that day, it feels like all the time, like bad is always after me. Will I ever be free of my illlness and it's vortex? The light I have thinking I could be normal, and free of the constant swirls and clouds disappear. I lack the motivation to do anything. Mainly to prevent spooking myself, as well as just not caring enough. For example, I really could care less about if I ate for not. For one, the knives in the kitchen would be to tempting. For another, i just don't have appetite. All I think of how pointless I am in the world. It's not like I will achieve anything great, make any difference in the world. Even my friends and famioly would be better off without me around, without my dark cloud of negativity. And sometimes I expect people to do things, such as worry when I give them no reason to, and call. To push to hear that i'm not ok. Then when they do, I say they worry too much. But, as long as I stay in my safe spot, the reason to even wake up doesn't mean anything. Anything and everything anyone said taht was negative echoes over everything else. I will hillusinate, imagine, or even just start to make things up to feed the pessismism. I feel useless, insignifacant, and even unwanted despite knowing I am loved by many. To tell anyone how low or down I really feel would burden them and worry them, if not stress. So I find it's best to just keep to myself, because I really don't want to cause soemone else stress. I'll ignore my phone, any text messages I recieve, and if possible the door. I can't bring myself to put on a movie, or pick up any number of books because I find that something somewhere in the story or show will only remind me of my depression. Examples that would fuel me are family, love, death, or someone being thankful for what they have. Everyday things, but still, it hurts me. So, I just stay where I know I can't be hurt, where I know I wont be tempted by the passing traffic for a new adventure of pain, where the only pain i'll feel is emotional. So that at least i'll be ok physically for another day.

I'm not quiet that far in yet, but slowly getting closer. I just don't know. It's extremely obvious, and i try my best to seem like a bubbly happy go lucky person, but, i know, it's fake. That i hurt, that i seem strong. But really, i keep everything inside, but not bottled up. Today at work I had a lovely cry. I looked like hell, but that's what make up is for. Least in this case. I don't have a family to talk to, and my close friends all seem to be busy with their own lives. My dearest is hurting in his own way, and any time I do see him, it's before he's off tos chool. I don't wantt o upset him before he goes to class and plays with knifes and such. So, in the end I keep it all to myself. I mean, how many others will acutally understand what i feel? Lost a mother that wasn't that great, but stillm iss her. Lost my own child upon my own choice, but have to tell everyone around me that it was a misscarrage and make it seem real. I say my own body killed my baby. In a way it's true. It did. I chose to do it. Constantly feel pressured by the financial demands of what i have to purchase for msyelf and to provide for myself. It's not easy. Sometimes I wish i were someone else, that I didn't have all of this. That I wasnt' abused, that I had said something, that someone had actually listened adn cared when it mattered. Oh well. I just keep waiting for the day when I can rest well, knowing I am really cared for, that the only pain i'll feel is the memories that don't haunt, but rather serve as a strength. It's a litle while till that will happen, but in the mean time, i'll just rest in my love's embrace, where I feel safe, and wanted. Where the "voices" i guess shut up because someone is proving them wrong. *sigh*.

I've gotta run off to work.
~KJ

Form Drives

I want to run. So badly. To get away from everything, to just take a break and see whats been going on. For this event called my life to slow down, and let me take a breath. Every day is a new twist, a new challenge. Something to work threw, and something to work for. I want to just get away from it all, to just get some relaxation, to not be so internally stressed.

When I found out a few things, I just wanted to run. Where to? Thought about Calgary, Osaka Japan, Dusseldorf Germany, Durham England, every where that I knew someone that would help me in the start. But then, I would get scared and forget it. Could I really escape what Ridge has to offer aside from the one greatest thing I have? Would what I would endure here follow me? Is there any point in the end?

For the past few weeks my dreams have been getting continually more bizare. I kind of want to keep a journal of them, but I've come to realize that my journals are....bad? I dont' know how else to say it. But, I cling to what i wrote, and dwell. There is the odd time when the words bring ease to what happened, what I experienced, or what have you, but then there are others when it's just a memory that I'm using to hurt myself.

I have done a few things that I do regret, and for good reason. Though I wont begin to type it out, because that wouldn't be fair. As I spend hours talking to Oniichan, a few memories have came back. We talked about bizare things to ingest (such as warm red bull from his team and of course cold split pea soup from mine). Naturally I remember the nasty soup mom made, followed by Wendy at the Foxs rendition which wasn't much better. lol.

I had a random outburst with Oniichan a few moments ago, mainly abotu that dreaded woman. Basically, I want to use the words hate, despize, loath, detest, anything that would signify total and utter disliking of her. But then, I am at the other end of the spectrum, where I miss her. Bizar. It's to the point of tears. I wait for her call still every day, to have an arguement that would get my fires burnin' with drive to get on the get go and do something "right". To actualy have her shut up and say something kind, to please her, to prove that I am good enough damn it! A never ending battle that I've lost. While confessing this, I hear the cold words, the jealousy, and everythign I don't want to be. (Though I know Im bitter about her). As well, I'm reminded that not once did I hear "I'm proud of you" from any one in my family. About anything. Always critized, or stolen from me. It was never good enough. Nothing ever was.

I know that a lot of my problems do come from mom, and for some reason a lot of people believe that i'll see past them if i become a mother. -.-' Oh, people are wierd. I'm told to follow my own path, to be who i want to be. But, when so many different people give their input, and say this is right and this is wrong, and this is this and that is that, how can someone do that? Almost like my life is communist on me! WAH!

But, I don't know. Thusly why I want to run. I want to hit that point where I do nothing but live the happily ever after. Silly Disney and Fairy Tales, putting such ideas in my head. I believe in True Love (and hope to god I have it right now), and in being happy. How i love the escapes of my imagination (best part, I don't need help with it!....*coughs drugs coughs*).

Yeah, but my dreams are seriously fucked. Feel free to inquire! Havin' someone elses input on them would be nice. Such as butter onto sails of a boat. Yeah....fucked.....

On My Guitar

I wrote up an email, only I was too chicken to send it. Then again, I cried the entire time while composing it. Hell, I still am. I don't think I've ever faced this much stress before. And what's really annouying, is it keeps getting worse. I dont' overly feel like elaborating here, but the cats know something is up. In four weeks I go back for my full out physical at the clinic, and get to have a proper ultrasound. The one today was, phenominal. The poor lady, didn't expect me to cry. Seems I've been doing alot of that today. Must drink some more milk..mm...milk....Despite everythying, I haven't been able to get into the festive mood. I tried pretty damn hard. Oh well. The moment's past. Though I am slowly getting festivly plump.

Hopeless

I've been trying to be optimistic. I really have. Thought everything would work out, hoped it would, and tried so it would. But, with the way things are lookin' with nine days left, and no hope in hell, I seem to be SOL. I will most likely put EVERYTHING into storage, and hopefully find a job on Grave yard and just catch naps wherever. I don't know. Things aren't looking good for me at all. Everything is falling apart at the seems, and it isn't fair. It's pissing me off, and it isn't good. Dad's gone back to being a prick, Kristy is too wrapped up in her life to give a fuck, and Kaity, well she's the emo bitch. So, I'm fucked over by them. Dad said I could move back home, just need to tal kto Kaity, Try that, and she doesnt have time for me. Non of them do. Well fuck them then. depending on how Christmas goes depends on how I go. Hell, with the way I see things, I'm just gonna tell them to fuck off, leave me alone, because the famil doesn't need me, and it's apparent with how they don't include me. I mean, I wasn't even invited to decorate! WTF!? I've eben invited back every year. And it's not like i'm working at the moment.....*sigh*. I'm so frustrated. Crying too. That isn't good, least for me. It doesn't mean good things. Hell, I don't even want to think about anything but June. That's when things will get better in theory. Otherwise, i'm down right fucked from here on in. *sigh*. Yepp, I'm down, relaly down. Unless so sort of mirical happens, I'm screwed. Royally Screwed.

Muttering Under My Breath

What the hell would anyone know who hasn't seen me in over a year? Seriously. I have changed, have some faith dumb asses. Jesus. There is nothing more annoying than someone preaching at you about a life they know jack shit about, and trying to mentor something they know about as much as some random guy in Asia does about me. Fuck OFF!

Eventful

So, just because I called my dad not to long ago, I feel like I need to write this down while it's still fresh (though it will be for a while). I am ROYALLY FUCKED. Literally.

No mattering what I do, I get screwed over now. Dad, because of emo bitch Kaity, wont let me move back home, due to her moving out if I do. I no longer matter at all. Lovely. So, rent is coming up, and I dont' have a dime for it. That means eviction soon enough. Which also mean, I'm going to be homeless, pregnant, and fucked over to the max.

Not to add what my boyfriend asked me to do today. I'm having a wonderful day now. I hope yours is better. Please excuse me while I try to figure out how the fuck to pull something out of nothing.