It seems no one understands my logic. Stay in a relationship that is wonderful, but hurtful due to conditioins. Visit a family that cares nothing for me. Talk to a neglectful father, and self-centered siblings. Listen to words that are like knives. Live a life, that I hate. Work an unsatisfying job. See a psych with comprimised interests. Sleep when only nighmares haunt me. Have a memorial for someone that hurt me. Hold onto things that are better let go.
Reason, what else do I have? Without Troy, I have no will to live. I'm sure he knows this, and it's almost like a presure for him, if not a guilt to stay with me. If I do lose Troy, then at least I'll have someone (family). Right now, I need more than Troy, mainly because of how things are. Sure, I talk to Polly, but she's my boss, and can't understand me. Dad, gets me angry and also gets me to cry (a release). My sisters, well, we have our moments. Like today at the tattoo shop. Freaky. We did rock paper sciccors to see who would go first. All went for sciccors. Creepy.... We all like the same liquor (neh), as well as the same feelings towards Terry (I think :S). I listen, because, they, I would rather listen then be given hell. I work my job, because it's familuar, as well as comfy. Dr. Bright, well, been with her since the start of this venture in 05, might as well keep on it. If her opinion is biased, i ignore it. More or less. Or just omit something when I talk to her. Sleep is a required thing for functioning, thusly why I do it as little as possible. I hate waking up to tears. The tatty was more than just for mom, it was like a brotherband, only with my sisters. We are cool when all lined up. A rising star, wth individualism. I keep thingsthat are hurtful, as a reminder, so to say. Keep it in mind to prevent it again. Live the life, because it's apparently better than the alternative.
I constantly worry about being abandoned by Troy, mainly because of how it's gone before. His camps stress me to no end, due to what has happened. He said nothing would happen, but something does. I'm almost that there is more that has happened, only I'm not told to prevent hurt. Though, people don't understand, it hurts more to hear it from a second source than the horse's mouth. *sigh*.
My scars run deep, and I have tried to move on. But, repeat incidents makes it hard. Hurts more the second time around. Really dont' wanna feel a third time. After what Jeremy, Mom, Mimi, Dad, Ian, Grace, and a few others have done, I've had it.
I've tried new occupations, I've tried changing things (style, circle of friends, lifestyle, location, etc.) But everything comes full circle. It's hard to just slap on a smile and be happy, when every day something falls apart. When no mattering what you do, hurt rips you. I lost my mother, a mother that was that great to me, but still my mother. Why does it hurt so much? Easy, she was part of me. The one I turned to, despite everything. Even though her words hurt, and such, there was still something. I also did something I never wanted to do again. That I promised to never do. All because I was told to chose. It hurt because he said he would never make me chose. That he wasn't going to be like his father. If he didnt do that, I would have gone threw with it. My family has lost all respect for me (extended), because I didn't do what i was raised for. Not like my sisters are pure little angles. Mom didn't either. Why do I have to be treated so bad? Why am I not ever good enough?
Was never good enough in school, despite my grades, despite what my teachers said, despite my final marks. I was never good enough in my martial arts. I was just never good enough for anything. Not good enough for Troy. Not good enough to be welcomed as my fathers daughter. Not good enough to anyone. Always something better that i could do, even when I give it my all.
It's what i always hear. I'm trying to get my life on A track, but nope. Not good enough. Did whatever they asked me to, but nope. Still not good enough. I wrote stories that were considered for publication, but that wasn't good enough. Youngest shodan in my art when I tested, but not good enough. Top marks in my grade 12 year, one of the hardest semesters possible. Plus I worked, plus I remained dedicated to my arts. And had a relationship on top of it all. Nope, not good enough. What motivation do I have to even try to get my life where it was? Why would i even bother? When i was at the top, it wasn't enough. Fuck it.
Any interests I have, can't really be shared. Now, I'm looking at a complete life change, focused solely on Troy's interests. Not that's it's a bad thing, it's just like, I'm goig to be part taking in his interests, but he wont be in mine. Stupid thing to be upset over, but I am. It's the way I am though. I like to walk and take pictures of flowers, scenery, over head photos/portrait, and just random things. Going for a walk with me would be nice. Not that much, but still nice.
*sigh*. I dont know. So many things, and nothing I can do. Anything I am doing, wont realy do alot. And it bites. Alot.
I'm sorry for not being all happy happy joy joy. But, sadily my life isn't that wonderful. I'm not lucky enough to have everything I want. I'm not lucky enough to have a family. I'm not able to live normally, due to my dna. That is where i am. Hurt, hurt hurt, and pain. Worry that I'll lose the only thing that matters, after everything else. And just, fuck. I want a real home. I want to feel wanted. I dont want to feel like shit every moment of the day. I want to smile without forcing it. I just, blah.
*sigh*.
I dont know. But I'm going to go clean my tatty now. Gotta love hygene.
~KJ
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