On My Guitar

I wrote up an email, only I was too chicken to send it. Then again, I cried the entire time while composing it. Hell, I still am. I don't think I've ever faced this much stress before. And what's really annouying, is it keeps getting worse. I dont' overly feel like elaborating here, but the cats know something is up. In four weeks I go back for my full out physical at the clinic, and get to have a proper ultrasound. The one today was, phenominal. The poor lady, didn't expect me to cry. Seems I've been doing alot of that today. Must drink some more milk..mm...milk....Despite everythying, I haven't been able to get into the festive mood. I tried pretty damn hard. Oh well. The moment's past. Though I am slowly getting festivly plump.

Hopeless

I've been trying to be optimistic. I really have. Thought everything would work out, hoped it would, and tried so it would. But, with the way things are lookin' with nine days left, and no hope in hell, I seem to be SOL. I will most likely put EVERYTHING into storage, and hopefully find a job on Grave yard and just catch naps wherever. I don't know. Things aren't looking good for me at all. Everything is falling apart at the seems, and it isn't fair. It's pissing me off, and it isn't good. Dad's gone back to being a prick, Kristy is too wrapped up in her life to give a fuck, and Kaity, well she's the emo bitch. So, I'm fucked over by them. Dad said I could move back home, just need to tal kto Kaity, Try that, and she doesnt have time for me. Non of them do. Well fuck them then. depending on how Christmas goes depends on how I go. Hell, with the way I see things, I'm just gonna tell them to fuck off, leave me alone, because the famil doesn't need me, and it's apparent with how they don't include me. I mean, I wasn't even invited to decorate! WTF!? I've eben invited back every year. And it's not like i'm working at the moment.....*sigh*. I'm so frustrated. Crying too. That isn't good, least for me. It doesn't mean good things. Hell, I don't even want to think about anything but June. That's when things will get better in theory. Otherwise, i'm down right fucked from here on in. *sigh*. Yepp, I'm down, relaly down. Unless so sort of mirical happens, I'm screwed. Royally Screwed.

Muttering Under My Breath

What the hell would anyone know who hasn't seen me in over a year? Seriously. I have changed, have some faith dumb asses. Jesus. There is nothing more annoying than someone preaching at you about a life they know jack shit about, and trying to mentor something they know about as much as some random guy in Asia does about me. Fuck OFF!

Eventful

So, just because I called my dad not to long ago, I feel like I need to write this down while it's still fresh (though it will be for a while). I am ROYALLY FUCKED. Literally.

No mattering what I do, I get screwed over now. Dad, because of emo bitch Kaity, wont let me move back home, due to her moving out if I do. I no longer matter at all. Lovely. So, rent is coming up, and I dont' have a dime for it. That means eviction soon enough. Which also mean, I'm going to be homeless, pregnant, and fucked over to the max.

Not to add what my boyfriend asked me to do today. I'm having a wonderful day now. I hope yours is better. Please excuse me while I try to figure out how the fuck to pull something out of nothing.

Victor/Victoria

I shed alot of tears today. Like, wow. It hurt alot. I know that I'm in a tight situtation, and I feel it. Hell I'm surprised I haven't miscarried yet. I understand my boyfriend's point of view, and why he wants what he wants. But sadily, due to my own rearing, and personality, they just don't work. As I notice how much harder this is going to get, it hurts. I am trying to be optimistic, I am trying to be healthy, hell my Psych (since I'm Bipolar II Depression Tendancies, or Bipolar for short :P) believes I'm in a perfect mind frame and my heart is where it should be. That was a great comfort. I trust Dr. Bright and her advising. Has yet to lead me wrong. Ir onically....

Now, I have a lot going on that isn't overly known. Given that currently there is something that looks like what Riley (Aliens) had in her at the end of it all. Though mine is about the size of a marble (I belieive). Still creepy. Scary, all of it! It's hard. I just lost my own mother on Nov. 29, found out a week later (exactly), that i get to possibily experience what she did. I hope to god that I wont be like her. I am so afriad of that....

I love my boyfriend to no end, and I fully aknoweldge his requests, but sadily I can't. I'm thinking of them, constantly I might add, but yeah...it's hard. It's my freakin' dream here. Little too soon yes, but still.

During the talk with remaining family (Dad, Kristy {eldest}, and Kate {the baby}), it went really bad. I shed tears. Bad. I also freaked out bad. I also did last night. Bad. Too much stress, stress I can't really deal with if I want this to go healthy. No amount of vitamins or prep can fix it if I'm a mess internally. Hell it will do worse damage anyways.

Though afterwards, I felt like the worse person in the world. I also started to question, and get dark, which isn't good when it comes to me! I'm trying to stay away from that. I really am. But, it's not easy.

I feel like I've fucked everything, and i mean everything. It's just one nasty situtation i'm in. But I am trying, oh so hard. But it aint working....no mattering how hard I try. Try this try that, but nothing. This idea and that idea. still nothing. I have a hope that everything will work out that everything will be fine. Do I know if it will be? Fuck, I don't even know if I'll make it threw all this shit.

It's not easy. Add on the stress that was added today, doesn't help at all. It's not cool.

I want to cry and scream as hard and as loud as I can constantly. I want to get the nerve to do something, but don't know what. All I can really say that expresses my exact feelings;
"FUCKING CHRIST!"

That summs it up. I'm dealing with the lose of my mother (no mattering how ill I have or do speak of her, she was and is my mother....a bad lose since it didn't go the way I wanted it to....). I have financial issues up to my neck, and to add to it all, I have no real work that i can do right now. Everything stresses me out to much. I want to do something good, i want to be something. I want to make people proud to be my relaitive. I want to just be myself. I want to just....be.

Imagine all of this, and more floating in your brain as something is growing inside of you. It's gross feeling. Right now, I jsut wanna cuddle up with my love, and listen to his breathing and heart beat, while he (as wierd as this sounds) pets my hair and tells me it's gonna be ok. Oh, I would almost kill for that right now. But alas, I have to worry about housing now and getting my two boys to a safe and loving home, since I can't provide one anymore. *Sigh*. Fuck, this sucks. You will never really know, till you know the desire and burn of a dream that is so close, but impossible. It burns, it burns hard.

Problems

Why do people constantly fuck up their lives? Why do people constantly make mistakes they can't fix? I've messed up my life, and the life of the girl I love. I got her pregnant, and she refuses to get rid of it. Now her dad is going to tell my mom, which will mess up my life. I had planned on going travelling to continue my schooling around the world. Now, I'll have to drop out of the schooling I'm in to take care of our child. She seems to think I won't have to, she seemd to think I'll be able to finish my schooling. I know I can't, because I refuse to be like my father, I refuse to walk away from my mistakes and my problems. I understand why she won't have an abortion, and I understand her fears of Addoption. But keeping this kid will just screw up both our lives and she seems to think that it will work out. It won't work out. It will just make it so that neither of us ever reach our potential that we could have. We'll never find out just how good we can be, just what we can accomplish.