Victor/Victoria

I shed alot of tears today. Like, wow. It hurt alot. I know that I'm in a tight situtation, and I feel it. Hell I'm surprised I haven't miscarried yet. I understand my boyfriend's point of view, and why he wants what he wants. But sadily, due to my own rearing, and personality, they just don't work. As I notice how much harder this is going to get, it hurts. I am trying to be optimistic, I am trying to be healthy, hell my Psych (since I'm Bipolar II Depression Tendancies, or Bipolar for short :P) believes I'm in a perfect mind frame and my heart is where it should be. That was a great comfort. I trust Dr. Bright and her advising. Has yet to lead me wrong. Ir onically....

Now, I have a lot going on that isn't overly known. Given that currently there is something that looks like what Riley (Aliens) had in her at the end of it all. Though mine is about the size of a marble (I belieive). Still creepy. Scary, all of it! It's hard. I just lost my own mother on Nov. 29, found out a week later (exactly), that i get to possibily experience what she did. I hope to god that I wont be like her. I am so afriad of that....

I love my boyfriend to no end, and I fully aknoweldge his requests, but sadily I can't. I'm thinking of them, constantly I might add, but yeah...it's hard. It's my freakin' dream here. Little too soon yes, but still.

During the talk with remaining family (Dad, Kristy {eldest}, and Kate {the baby}), it went really bad. I shed tears. Bad. I also freaked out bad. I also did last night. Bad. Too much stress, stress I can't really deal with if I want this to go healthy. No amount of vitamins or prep can fix it if I'm a mess internally. Hell it will do worse damage anyways.

Though afterwards, I felt like the worse person in the world. I also started to question, and get dark, which isn't good when it comes to me! I'm trying to stay away from that. I really am. But, it's not easy.

I feel like I've fucked everything, and i mean everything. It's just one nasty situtation i'm in. But I am trying, oh so hard. But it aint working....no mattering how hard I try. Try this try that, but nothing. This idea and that idea. still nothing. I have a hope that everything will work out that everything will be fine. Do I know if it will be? Fuck, I don't even know if I'll make it threw all this shit.

It's not easy. Add on the stress that was added today, doesn't help at all. It's not cool.

I want to cry and scream as hard and as loud as I can constantly. I want to get the nerve to do something, but don't know what. All I can really say that expresses my exact feelings;
"FUCKING CHRIST!"

That summs it up. I'm dealing with the lose of my mother (no mattering how ill I have or do speak of her, she was and is my mother....a bad lose since it didn't go the way I wanted it to....). I have financial issues up to my neck, and to add to it all, I have no real work that i can do right now. Everything stresses me out to much. I want to do something good, i want to be something. I want to make people proud to be my relaitive. I want to just be myself. I want to just....be.

Imagine all of this, and more floating in your brain as something is growing inside of you. It's gross feeling. Right now, I jsut wanna cuddle up with my love, and listen to his breathing and heart beat, while he (as wierd as this sounds) pets my hair and tells me it's gonna be ok. Oh, I would almost kill for that right now. But alas, I have to worry about housing now and getting my two boys to a safe and loving home, since I can't provide one anymore. *Sigh*. Fuck, this sucks. You will never really know, till you know the desire and burn of a dream that is so close, but impossible. It burns, it burns hard.